rolling the ball

it's been a tricksy sort of year. spiral out of a need to pay the bills i took a part time job last march and as you can sort of see by this website and the lack of updates the part time job sort of took over life in a full time way.

i adore my part time job and all of the new things i have learned and the way i can see that i make a difference, but i let it take over out of a desperate need for money and praise. as you can image those two things created inner tensions...

a few months ago i got super frustrate with this business, my heart, and where i am supposed to be spending my time and energy. it has lead to multiple days of contemplation, anger, love, hate, disillusion and more frustration.

today while working through a very long to do list in the california cloudiness, looking out the french doors of my room to the pool i realized i was stuck in a greek myth. the one where sisyphus has to roll the ball up the hill only to have it crush him and roll back down, thereby needing to start again.

resigned to the task.

hating everything.

and i made a decision, propped open the doors as the sun peeked out for a moment and decided i could walk away from the shoulds, and the task and find a new way.

a way where i don't get neglected, where my heart business doesn't get neglected and where my income doesn't suffer as part of my rebellion.

where i can have 3 jobs i love and treat them all with respect and joy. where i can be loving and useful and return phone calls instead of avoiding them. where my body doesn't get locked up and shut down and turn brittle and cranky, where my cat and my husband get the snuggle time they deserve and i get the space to be my fully present creative self.

life is incredible. if only you walk away from all the weight you are repeatedly pushing up the hill for no good reason other than someone or yourself told you you should.

i'm going to mess up. i'm going to do it all wrong. i'm going to be even more frustrated. and i'm also going to be more fearless, more heartful, more fun and probably have more energy as a ressult.