what I want

I just found myself responding to a friends inquiry and felt the need to share as someone else out there in this big world might relate.

How do I know what I want?

Well this is a very difficult answer for me. Here is what I know. I know that when I get confused, angry or freaked out that I am not asking for what I want. Unfortunately this reaction usually has a negative effect on the person with me and I end up pushing them away and getting exactly what I don't want yet somehow think I deserve.

I had a hard childhood (we all did), I grew up in a emotionally needy yet detached family who had sever money issues and believe they would a) never get ahead and b) were haunted by familial beliefs of poverty and self denial. It has taken me 10 years of therapy just to be able to begin to identify these issues and start to move on them.

So how am I starting to understand what I want. I smile... I can help but smile when I see something or think about it. I feel peaceful (versus the butterflies I get when I state something I think I should want, or am offer something i don't want). When I have identified something I really want and start to think about how to get to it or obtain it things fall into place, the universe conspires to give it to me in strange and beautiful ways. And the most difficult one. I hurt... and I cry a lot... why? Because of the years that I have denied myself? No mainly because it hurts acutely to come back and love yourself enough to give it to yourself. So when the hurt is almost unbearable and I find myself smiling and crying at the exact same time I know I am in the exact perfect place and that I have begun to heal one more piece.