"...just waiting for the hammer to fall..."
it's been way to long without an update. there are many, many reasons why but the main ones are i'm lost, i'm super anemic again which contributes to feelings of lost, apathy and complete exhaustion and i'm trying to make my world better by doing construction projects around my house.
tonight i hit my pinky finger with a hammer while setting the new stone tile in my downstairs bathroom.
and that led me to contemplate how i avoid writing anymore and why things hurt and what the fuck am i doing, and when i've been alone too long and things spiral into pain and sadness it helps to write.
"...if i had a hammer, i'd hammer in the morning, i'd hammer in the evening, all over this land..."
getting sick again, running myself into the ground, and picking myself up again was unfortunately very useful.
when you can't walk up a hill because your anemia leaves you breathless you start to figure out how to use what tiny bit of energy you have for things that sort of matter.
so i got angry at my crappy living conditions and i started throwing things out, and i started planning new uses of space and i started pinning all my ideas on pinterest and then i started making shit happen.
and now i am about a week from having a shower in my basement. something that may not seem like much until you spend the better part of a year going to the gym to get clean.
"...maxwells silver hammer came down on her head..."
about the time i started making pinterest boards i started getting sick after every period. which basically left me totally useless about 2.5 weeks out of every month.
it took me 5 months of this to figure out that the last time this happened i was anemic and i should probably call the doctor and start supplementing iron.
one month of supplementation and things are better, the doctor upped my dose of iron which i must say is improving my energy but wreaks havoc on the digestive system. i actually got my iron levels up to a 10 (the lowest you are supposed to be is 15 so still a long ways to go)
but these 10 levels got me hammering away at walls, belief systems, choices, eating habits, relationships and more.
"... i wanna be--your sledge hammer..."
re-evaluation is in place.
do i wanna cater films?
do i wanna heal feet, nerves and body with reflexology?
do i wanna read tarot?
do i wanna teach?
truth be told i fucking tired and all i want to do it remodel my basement, organize and purge the shit out of my house and soak up the last days of summer and all of fall in the yard moving things around, planting new things and beautifying my space.
i want to clean all the things in the whole world and make them pretty and i want to do it all from my hammock, or my bed, or my new blue car.
until i figure out how to do that you can find me taking 2 iron pills a day, petting my old lady cats, working my variety of random jobs and watching too much tv while waiting for paint or sparkle (my new word for drywall mud) or floor leveling to dry.
also i'll be dancing the hammer dance as much as possible just because i wrote an entire blog post using songs with hammer in them.
from chaos the 17.5 yr old cat todays secret message is: o0p998