owning a business is sort of like having a full time infant who sometimes is a full time teenager. it's amazing and wonderful and exhausting and oh my so, so frustrating.

over the last two years i have been deeply exploring my business, what i want to create and give to the world.

it's a scary thing. because most times what you really want to do and create is not what you are actually doing. that's a bit too vulnerable so most of us have to evolve into actually doing what we want to be doing.

it's also scary because this right here and now is what i do. and i know how to do it. and it mostly makes me happy. but i have never wanted to grow it anymore that it is that. but i can't live on that there is a mortgage and i like to eat and, and, and.

so this last rally as i have talked about repeatedly i spent the entire 3 days following. what did i want right now? what did i want to work on? where was i led to sit and snuggle in.

upon returning things have shifted dramatically.

so dramatically i can't even begin to explore all of it here and i keep watching huge patches fall to the ground.

but here is a brief glimpse.

i retired my old money. i had this old concept of money that was all based on push and pull, give and take. at the rally i actually made a contract with old money that was really "if you don't do this we are withholding money from ever reaching you"  ick! the stress that caused me was incredible. but i didn't even know it until it suddenly became clear it was time for it to retire.

you will be happy to know old money now gives orders (to the monsters) from a hammock that in this picture with Chaos (my cat and partner in crime) looks like a smiley face. yes her name is Chaos and really she's quiet mellow although sometimes super shifty and sneaky. her sister Cosmos helps Eric write film scores in the basement.

i put up a learn tarot ecourse i have been writing, refining and planning for the past 5 years but wasn't sure how to do, never felt it was "right" and all the other odds and ends. turned out what it needed was levels. ways for people to play at their own interest level. seriously easy fix when i just allowed it to lead me to the answer.

but what i learned most was i was super happy seeing 4-8 people a week for reflexology, and that was it. i didn't want more. so no wonder my business never grew.

and i spent some time in that scary place of what do i want? why am i here (funny i typed hear first)?

what i really want to do is introduce people to beauty and ease and the faeries.

i talk to freaking faeries all the bloody time. not everyone can or does that. that's kind of, possibly, very very important.

and so then half of the time at rally was spent in the creation of a thing Havi made a joke about in our very first meeting almost exactly 2 years ago. at camp biggification. not knowing or really understanding why i was sitting in a room full of strangers in portland i blurted out that i was a faery doctor. and Havi jumped on that and said i really want to see you make a product called faery CPR. and so i wrote it down, and i played with it, and i danced around it but for 2 years it would not talk to me.

i was so centered on 'i have to make money to pay the rent and i have to biggify and i have to expand,' that i never took time or space to really listen. i knew a way to make money so i stuck with it. it felt safer. i mean faery CPR?!?!

but those faeries are persistent so i am happy to announce! coming in June betwixt and between will come into the world-it will be a weekly email thinger. and later in the summer faery CPR will finally get out of my head and heart and show all of you it's magicalness-it is still taking it's form so let's not poke it.

annnnd, in the apprentice level of learning tarot you are going to get some of the faery wisdom down loaded at rally. tarot+faeries=crazy

this is one of the scariest and most exciting times i have ever consciously lived through. last week i made $25, and i did not completely loose my shit, because i was spending every hour i wasn't working on creating and following these amazing and beautiful discoveries. and i know they will support me because i love them as much as they love me and how can money not be attracted to all this love.

oh and i almost forgot to introduce you to the new money. it's a tiny hedgehog and it lives in a bathtub filled with pillows and blankets in the faery house that is going to be built with the money made by sharing tarot and betwixt and between and faery CPR with the world.

see the cuteness factor. people will squee and ahhh and totally want to throw money at me to build the imaginary hedgehog of epic cuteness a faery house to live in with an entire bathtub full of pillows so that you can come nap in with him. because as soon as it is built you are 100% invited to come play and take classes and visit and snuggle with the hedgehog.

oh and Havi says there space in the June rally! so if you want your own epiphanies or hedgehog you might want to go there and see what happens.